[ well it's definitely hard to feel bad when there are baby BIRBS around to pet. pettin the birbs, yis, while considering what to say. ]
It feels kind of inconsequential in the big scheme of things.
[ especially so when she considers how quiet and empty alectryon has felt as of late. not that she can clearly remember most of its previous members, but--she does rembember it feeling lively ]
... But... You know Ren--the other Ren, on Gulgallana?
( the young birbs have been raised with love and are very receptive to the petting, even rubbing their heads against her hands to encourage her to continue. )
I don't think that's true.
( now it's very quiet. almost empty. at least yukine isn't taking it too hard. he laughs a little at the "the other ren". )
It's a little novel to hear you to refer me by that name. ( then nodding. ) What about her?
There's people here who.... they're here but they're not really either.
...
Jaguar only recently started talking with me again. And Panther's gone away to live in an echo's realm without saying goodbye; I don't... really know why. Vash and Caracal too. And there's a lot of people, like Aoko, that I've forgotten so... it's like they've vanished, too, in a way. I know... I still have this feeling, whenever I visit, that this place is like home too. But I don't actually remember most of your teammates, not if the hand prints on the wall are anything to go by, so I don't know why. Every time I go visit the mirrors in the clock tower, there's even more.
...
Even you and Yato might go away.
...
Do you want to hear something stupid?
[ she doesn't give him the chance to say no ]
Sometimes I'm scared I'll lose everyone, one way or the other.
It's normal. . . I think. I mean, it feels normal. We're in a weird place and nothing really makes sense even at the best of times. We don't even know what happens when someone does go home or even if they really do. We just know they're gone.
And it's scary. You think you can prepare for it, prep yourself for the reality, but it's still scary. It doesn't get better. Not even for me and it's supposed to be easy for me because I'm a spirit. That's just how it works for us because we're supposed to be forgotten and left behind. But. . . It's doesn't. It doesn't make it better or easier, but I try to say that it does because maybe if I keep saying it then it'll be true.
Even if you think you're ready for it, you're not.
You never are. Doesn't really matter how it happened. Whether people fall asleep because they're weak or go with an echo so the echo can help keep them from falling asleep, it's all the same. It's abrupt, there's no warning, and there's no way to stop it. It just happened.
We're just expected to deal with it. Deal with everything. Like it's nothing.
But it's not over is it? You're still here. They're still here.
Don't give up on the people you used to know. Go see Aoko, tell her you miss her, and try to reclaim what you had. For the others too. Just because you forgot them, doesn't mean that they're not still your friends.
[ it's not fine having forgotten them!! IT'S NEVER FINE BECAUSE-- ]
I feel like I have holes in my heart, though. Holes where people... and things... used to belong. Things that matter to me. Sometimes, I have feelings about things or places that I can't explain, and it... it hurts.
[ like a phantom limb. only the limb is really your heart. ]
I don't know... Even if I miss them, and even if they forgive me, I'm not sure if I deserve it. Kaito said it's not my fault, but... it feels like I betrayed everyone. By not being able to hold onto their memories.
[ not unlike how she felt like she betrayed the both of you by forgetting you; her hand goes to the spot on her arm that still bears the caretaker's emblem and absent rubs the fabric lying over it.
( moving to wrap his arms around her from behind her. how many days has it been since he last hugged her? offered her any kind of real comfort? he's been such a terrible friend and he's missed so much. with her. with so many others. he didn't even know how close these people had been to her or how much she'd forgotten.
it's a good question actually. how much is she missing? memories are already scarce and she's lost even more of them? it's unfair. it's cruel and he's been there for her for none of it.
he's lucky she came here to talk about it at all. )
I want to say something, but I want make sure you're listening to me first, okay?
( resting his head against her shoulder. )
It's really important. So I want you to hear every word.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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H-hiyori? I almost kicked you! Are you okay?
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yes. kick the beaten when they are down. BECOME A MONSTERI mean ]Oh! Sorry. I thought nobody was home today.
[ yes that explains a lot. she was lonely so she came to sit on your front porch like fry dog
that really doesn't answer the question, though ]
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NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT, THEY SAY!frowning. )
What?
( kneeling down immediately. )
Hiyori, are you okay?
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[ in the technical sense that she's not hurt or sick, just.... really bummed. ]
I just... kind of wanted to find someplace to be alone for a while. I thought maybe you all wouldn't mind if I was around.
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( hmmm. she looks really upset. he wonders if it's because ren, his nametwin, went home. )
You're always welcome here in my dorm, but. . .that doesn't sound like you want to be alone, I think? Do you want to go to my room?
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...
Were you on your way to visit Tora again?
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( being in his room. his once-again lonely ass room. )
But no. Not today. I was actually going to come see you.
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[ we can fix the lonely-ass part at least ]
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( pausing. )
Uhm! It doesn't seem right to ask anymore? But I thought it'd be nice to invite you to go see the stars?
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Don't be silly. I'd love to go stargazing with you. Maybe the aurora will come out tonight. Do you know of a good spot do it from?
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Another time.
( then grabbing her to lead her inside. )
You have something more important to talk about, right?
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following along ]
Oh! Hey... Well, yes, I suppose, but... I don't want to ruin your plans...!
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it's more barren than it used to be, but his baby chocobos and the plush he got from hiyori still remain. )
My plan was to see you, but you're here now, right?
( gesturing towards the bed for her to sit. )
So, what's up?
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It feels kind of inconsequential in the big scheme of things.
[ especially so when she considers how quiet and empty alectryon has felt as of late. not that she can clearly remember most of its previous members, but--she does rembember it feeling lively ]
... But... You know Ren--the other Ren, on Gulgallana?
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I don't think that's true.
( now it's very quiet. almost empty. at least yukine isn't taking it too hard. he laughs a little at the "the other ren". )
It's a little novel to hear you to refer me by that name. ( then nodding. ) What about her?
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W-well! It's your name, too, isn't it? Even if it's not what I call you by, I should still acknowledge that.
[ a pause, and then-- ]
Well, she went home the other day. ... Willow's gone home, too.
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( seeing as he stopped rejecting the name yato gave him. )
Oh. . . I'm sorry.
( they were probably close then, huh? )
It's hard when people leave. I still don't really know how to deal with it.
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...
Jaguar only recently started talking with me again. And Panther's gone away to live in an echo's realm without saying goodbye; I don't... really know why. Vash and Caracal too. And there's a lot of people, like Aoko, that I've forgotten so... it's like they've vanished, too, in a way. I know... I still have this feeling, whenever I visit, that this place is like home too. But I don't actually remember most of your teammates, not if the hand prints on the wall are anything to go by, so I don't know why. Every time I go visit the mirrors in the clock tower, there's even more.
...
Even you and Yato might go away.
...
Do you want to hear something stupid?
[ she doesn't give him the chance to say no ]
Sometimes I'm scared I'll lose everyone, one way or the other.
/5
( his jaw works, the wire in his lips coming loose. he's sterner when he speaks again. )
That's not stupid.
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And it's scary. You think you can prepare for it, prep yourself for the reality, but it's still scary. It doesn't get better. Not even for me and it's supposed to be easy for me because I'm a spirit. That's just how it works for us because we're supposed to be forgotten and left behind. But. . . It's doesn't. It doesn't make it better or easier, but I try to say that it does because maybe if I keep saying it then it'll be true.
Even if you think you're ready for it, you're not.
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We're just expected to deal with it. Deal with everything. Like it's nothing.
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It's fine if you forgot them. There's been so many of us coming and going.
I remember and I like to think that's good enough.
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Don't give up on the people you used to know. Go see Aoko, tell her you miss her, and try to reclaim what you had. For the others too. Just because you forgot them, doesn't mean that they're not still your friends.
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I feel like I have holes in my heart, though. Holes where people... and things... used to belong. Things that matter to me. Sometimes, I have feelings about things or places that I can't explain, and it... it hurts.
[ like a phantom limb. only the limb is really your heart. ]
I don't know... Even if I miss them, and even if they forgive me, I'm not sure if I deserve it. Kaito said it's not my fault, but... it feels like I betrayed everyone. By not being able to hold onto their memories.
[ not unlike how she felt like she betrayed the both of you by forgetting you; her hand goes to the spot on her arm that still bears the caretaker's emblem and absent rubs the fabric lying over it.
She thinks back on all of those hurt looks... ]
Maybe some things... people just can't get over.
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it's a good question actually. how much is she missing? memories are already scarce and she's lost even more of them? it's unfair. it's cruel and he's been there for her for none of it.
he's lucky she came here to talk about it at all. )
I want to say something, but I want make sure you're listening to me first, okay?
( resting his head against her shoulder. )
It's really important. So I want you to hear every word.
Are you listening?
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/3
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done
/4
Re: done
Re: done
Re: done
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