[ well it's definitely hard to feel bad when there are baby BIRBS around to pet. pettin the birbs, yis, while considering what to say. ]
It feels kind of inconsequential in the big scheme of things.
[ especially so when she considers how quiet and empty alectryon has felt as of late. not that she can clearly remember most of its previous members, but--she does rembember it feeling lively ]
... But... You know Ren--the other Ren, on Gulgallana?
( the young birbs have been raised with love and are very receptive to the petting, even rubbing their heads against her hands to encourage her to continue. )
I don't think that's true.
( now it's very quiet. almost empty. at least yukine isn't taking it too hard. he laughs a little at the "the other ren". )
It's a little novel to hear you to refer me by that name. ( then nodding. ) What about her?
There's people here who.... they're here but they're not really either.
...
Jaguar only recently started talking with me again. And Panther's gone away to live in an echo's realm without saying goodbye; I don't... really know why. Vash and Caracal too. And there's a lot of people, like Aoko, that I've forgotten so... it's like they've vanished, too, in a way. I know... I still have this feeling, whenever I visit, that this place is like home too. But I don't actually remember most of your teammates, not if the hand prints on the wall are anything to go by, so I don't know why. Every time I go visit the mirrors in the clock tower, there's even more.
...
Even you and Yato might go away.
...
Do you want to hear something stupid?
[ she doesn't give him the chance to say no ]
Sometimes I'm scared I'll lose everyone, one way or the other.
It's normal. . . I think. I mean, it feels normal. We're in a weird place and nothing really makes sense even at the best of times. We don't even know what happens when someone does go home or even if they really do. We just know they're gone.
And it's scary. You think you can prepare for it, prep yourself for the reality, but it's still scary. It doesn't get better. Not even for me and it's supposed to be easy for me because I'm a spirit. That's just how it works for us because we're supposed to be forgotten and left behind. But. . . It's doesn't. It doesn't make it better or easier, but I try to say that it does because maybe if I keep saying it then it'll be true.
Even if you think you're ready for it, you're not.
You never are. Doesn't really matter how it happened. Whether people fall asleep because they're weak or go with an echo so the echo can help keep them from falling asleep, it's all the same. It's abrupt, there's no warning, and there's no way to stop it. It just happened.
We're just expected to deal with it. Deal with everything. Like it's nothing.
But it's not over is it? You're still here. They're still here.
Don't give up on the people you used to know. Go see Aoko, tell her you miss her, and try to reclaim what you had. For the others too. Just because you forgot them, doesn't mean that they're not still your friends.
[ it's not fine having forgotten them!! IT'S NEVER FINE BECAUSE-- ]
I feel like I have holes in my heart, though. Holes where people... and things... used to belong. Things that matter to me. Sometimes, I have feelings about things or places that I can't explain, and it... it hurts.
[ like a phantom limb. only the limb is really your heart. ]
I don't know... Even if I miss them, and even if they forgive me, I'm not sure if I deserve it. Kaito said it's not my fault, but... it feels like I betrayed everyone. By not being able to hold onto their memories.
[ not unlike how she felt like she betrayed the both of you by forgetting you; her hand goes to the spot on her arm that still bears the caretaker's emblem and absent rubs the fabric lying over it.
( moving to wrap his arms around her from behind her. how many days has it been since he last hugged her? offered her any kind of real comfort? he's been such a terrible friend and he's missed so much. with her. with so many others. he didn't even know how close these people had been to her or how much she'd forgotten.
it's a good question actually. how much is she missing? memories are already scarce and she's lost even more of them? it's unfair. it's cruel and he's been there for her for none of it.
he's lucky she came here to talk about it at all. )
I want to say something, but I want make sure you're listening to me first, okay?
( resting his head against her shoulder. )
It's really important. So I want you to hear every word.
[ she leans back against him, quiet while he talks. it's really nice to be like this, actually, though it's... sad that this is what it took, and sad that it's been so long.
when exactly did she stop coming to him to talk to him about her problems? and why?
...
it's another thing she can't quite remember, though she still has inklings, bits and pieces and clues. she didn't forget him at all... just most of the biggest things that seemed to put that wall between them there.
and in the absence of their memory, it seems like maybe, finally, it might be starting, very slowly to crumble down. she is certainly, definitely listening right now. ]
Yes, I'm listening, Yukine-kun.
[ and maybe to him, the re-emergence of that honorific, never before used here, will seem strange, but... for her after her conversation with Aoko, it feels like a puzzle piece, significant to the closeness of their relationship, fitting back into the place where it belongs. ]
( the honorific is weird, like forced distance, but he doesn't plan to say anything about it. not now at least, not when he's got so much more important things to say to her. he doesn't want to talk about anything else and he just wants her to listen, to really listen because he knows they've had so many problems understanding each other that they've put up lines between each other. he doesn't want that happen this time. he needs it not to happen. he's not sure he could deal with it this time.
so, he needs her attention and to speak clearly. and not to think about how it might creep her out to be hugged by someone with no heartbeat or signs of breathing.
there's a pause before he finally speaks. )
This way of thinking. . . it's selfish and short-sighted. ( immediately he's hugging her tighter because he's honestly terrified of how she'll respond. ) I know it's not easy to hear, but I wouldn't tell you if you didn't need to know. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Hiyori. Please don't get mad. It's just . . . I know what it's like. To feel like that and get so wrapped up in what's wrong that you forget to do something about it. While you're worried about not being forgiven and the pain of forgetting, you're drawing boundaries between you and your friends. It's not good. It's not helping. It's probably only going to make you feel worse and worse until you feel like you're drowning. Drowning and too afraid to reach out for help and—
It's ugly. Ugly and makes you feel terribly alone, which is stupid for anyone here to feel because we've all got someone. Even if it's just our teammates.
( he loosens up a little, one arm still around her as he reaches for her hand with the other to hold her fingers, thumb tracing over her knuckles. )
So. . . You need to forgive yourself. For forgetting. For things out of your control. I don't think you can accept forgiveness from anyone else otherwise.
It's not your fault. All of us have forgotten, some of us more than others. It feels scary because memories are all we have and they're so crucial to people like Yato and me, but it's okay, Hiyori. It's not your fault. No one blames you and everyone understands. I mean, anyone with two brain cells anyway, but if someone gives you a hard time, I'll break their teeth. Okay? That's a promise, so remember that.
You didn't betray anyone. Your team changed, but you still came back and that's more than anyone could ask for. You're still here with me. With Yato. With everyone.
Since you're still here, there's still time.
Time to remember, to make new memories, and to start patching up your holes so you can feel whole again.
But. . . if you hold onto this, if you tell yourself that you don't "deserve" to be forgiven then you're just being stupid. It's not up to you to decide that. It's up to Kaito and everyone else, so if they think you're worthy of forgiveness—which they obviously do—then that settles it. You're worthy. There's nothing extra to it. Thinking otherwise just hurts you and everyone around you.
It's not good.
I mean, even if someone is still upset about being forgotten, they'll get over it. They'll forgive you. I'll always forgive you.
You've got to keep moving forward, Hiyori, and look towards the future. Everything is so weird and unpredictable that it'd be a waste for us not to enjoy what we can with the people we care about. I mean, we won't always be here all together, so isn't it better to have the least amount of regrets possible? But—
If you think you're stumbling, I'll hold your hand, okay? And we can walk forward together.
[ it's true that his lack of a heartbeat would make her sad, a reminder of how and why he lost it, but it would only be one of a number of things. like the way her attempt to connect to him, to hold onto to what she often feels is a "golden" past between the two of them, prior to kyr, through the use of the suffix ultimately fails to elicit the response that she'd hoped for.
it's hard to keep listening, to not feel a sort of... despair as he admonishes her for selfishness. and ugliness. and making her problems harder than they have to be.
she just wanted to reach him. how does she always get it so wrong?
and in fact, she starts to cry, in spite of herself, loathing herself, her selfishness, her loss and the helpless way she feels: there is nothing her fists can do to solve any of these problems.
and so she does feel ugly, and alone, and lost, and it's her fault... ]
[ but she is listening, which is why, as he talks about forgiving herself for that, and connecting on the many issues she's been feeling – the lostness, the hurt, being wrapped up in that helpless feeling—
he's not just saying he knows what it is, he knows. ]
[ slowly the hand he's been stroking turns over and her fingers grasp and simply hold his in hers. her hand is warm, almost hot—but not sweaty and gross like certain people not to be named or present in this thread
she turns her face to him, still tear-streaked, but—smiling, she croaks: ]
Just not by my hair, okay? [ sniff ] I wear a hat, but... I don't want to go bald.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Another time.
( then grabbing her to lead her inside. )
You have something more important to talk about, right?
no subject
following along ]
Oh! Hey... Well, yes, I suppose, but... I don't want to ruin your plans...!
no subject
it's more barren than it used to be, but his baby chocobos and the plush he got from hiyori still remain. )
My plan was to see you, but you're here now, right?
( gesturing towards the bed for her to sit. )
So, what's up?
no subject
It feels kind of inconsequential in the big scheme of things.
[ especially so when she considers how quiet and empty alectryon has felt as of late. not that she can clearly remember most of its previous members, but--she does rembember it feeling lively ]
... But... You know Ren--the other Ren, on Gulgallana?
no subject
I don't think that's true.
( now it's very quiet. almost empty. at least yukine isn't taking it too hard. he laughs a little at the "the other ren". )
It's a little novel to hear you to refer me by that name. ( then nodding. ) What about her?
no subject
W-well! It's your name, too, isn't it? Even if it's not what I call you by, I should still acknowledge that.
[ a pause, and then-- ]
Well, she went home the other day. ... Willow's gone home, too.
no subject
( seeing as he stopped rejecting the name yato gave him. )
Oh. . . I'm sorry.
( they were probably close then, huh? )
It's hard when people leave. I still don't really know how to deal with it.
no subject
...
Jaguar only recently started talking with me again. And Panther's gone away to live in an echo's realm without saying goodbye; I don't... really know why. Vash and Caracal too. And there's a lot of people, like Aoko, that I've forgotten so... it's like they've vanished, too, in a way. I know... I still have this feeling, whenever I visit, that this place is like home too. But I don't actually remember most of your teammates, not if the hand prints on the wall are anything to go by, so I don't know why. Every time I go visit the mirrors in the clock tower, there's even more.
...
Even you and Yato might go away.
...
Do you want to hear something stupid?
[ she doesn't give him the chance to say no ]
Sometimes I'm scared I'll lose everyone, one way or the other.
/5
( his jaw works, the wire in his lips coming loose. he's sterner when he speaks again. )
That's not stupid.
no subject
And it's scary. You think you can prepare for it, prep yourself for the reality, but it's still scary. It doesn't get better. Not even for me and it's supposed to be easy for me because I'm a spirit. That's just how it works for us because we're supposed to be forgotten and left behind. But. . . It's doesn't. It doesn't make it better or easier, but I try to say that it does because maybe if I keep saying it then it'll be true.
Even if you think you're ready for it, you're not.
no subject
We're just expected to deal with it. Deal with everything. Like it's nothing.
no subject
It's fine if you forgot them. There's been so many of us coming and going.
I remember and I like to think that's good enough.
no subject
Don't give up on the people you used to know. Go see Aoko, tell her you miss her, and try to reclaim what you had. For the others too. Just because you forgot them, doesn't mean that they're not still your friends.
no subject
I feel like I have holes in my heart, though. Holes where people... and things... used to belong. Things that matter to me. Sometimes, I have feelings about things or places that I can't explain, and it... it hurts.
[ like a phantom limb. only the limb is really your heart. ]
I don't know... Even if I miss them, and even if they forgive me, I'm not sure if I deserve it. Kaito said it's not my fault, but... it feels like I betrayed everyone. By not being able to hold onto their memories.
[ not unlike how she felt like she betrayed the both of you by forgetting you; her hand goes to the spot on her arm that still bears the caretaker's emblem and absent rubs the fabric lying over it.
She thinks back on all of those hurt looks... ]
Maybe some things... people just can't get over.
no subject
it's a good question actually. how much is she missing? memories are already scarce and she's lost even more of them? it's unfair. it's cruel and he's been there for her for none of it.
he's lucky she came here to talk about it at all. )
I want to say something, but I want make sure you're listening to me first, okay?
( resting his head against her shoulder. )
It's really important. So I want you to hear every word.
Are you listening?
no subject
when exactly did she stop coming to him to talk to him about her problems? and why?
...
it's another thing she can't quite remember, though she still has inklings, bits and pieces and clues. she didn't forget him at all... just most of the biggest things that seemed to put that wall between them there.
and in the absence of their memory, it seems like maybe, finally, it might be starting, very slowly to crumble down. she is certainly, definitely listening right now. ]
Yes, I'm listening, Yukine-kun.
[ and maybe to him, the re-emergence of that honorific, never before used here, will seem strange, but... for her after her conversation with Aoko, it feels like a puzzle piece, significant to the closeness of their relationship, fitting back into the place where it belongs. ]
/3
so, he needs her attention and to speak clearly. and not to think about how it might creep her out to be hugged by someone with no heartbeat or signs of breathing.
there's a pause before he finally speaks. )
This way of thinking. . . it's selfish and short-sighted. ( immediately he's hugging her tighter because he's honestly terrified of how she'll respond. ) I know it's not easy to hear, but I wouldn't tell you if you didn't need to know. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Hiyori. Please don't get mad. It's just . . . I know what it's like. To feel like that and get so wrapped up in what's wrong that you forget to do something about it. While you're worried about not being forgiven and the pain of forgetting, you're drawing boundaries between you and your friends. It's not good. It's not helping. It's probably only going to make you feel worse and worse until you feel like you're drowning. Drowning and too afraid to reach out for help and—
It's ugly. Ugly and makes you feel terribly alone, which is stupid for anyone here to feel because we've all got someone. Even if it's just our teammates.
( he loosens up a little, one arm still around her as he reaches for her hand with the other to hold her fingers, thumb tracing over her knuckles. )
So. . . You need to forgive yourself. For forgetting. For things out of your control. I don't think you can accept forgiveness from anyone else otherwise.
no subject
You didn't betray anyone. Your team changed, but you still came back and that's more than anyone could ask for. You're still here with me. With Yato. With everyone.
Since you're still here, there's still time.
Time to remember, to make new memories, and to start patching up your holes so you can feel whole again.
no subject
It's not good.
I mean, even if someone is still upset about being forgotten, they'll get over it. They'll forgive you. I'll always forgive you.
You've got to keep moving forward, Hiyori, and look towards the future. Everything is so weird and unpredictable that it'd be a waste for us not to enjoy what we can with the people we care about. I mean, we won't always be here all together, so isn't it better to have the least amount of regrets possible? But—
If you think you're stumbling, I'll hold your hand, okay? And we can walk forward together.
done
Or I'll just drag you.
/4
it's hard to keep listening, to not feel a sort of... despair as he admonishes her for selfishness. and ugliness. and making her problems harder than they have to be.
she just wanted to reach him. how does she always get it so wrong?
and in fact, she starts to cry, in spite of herself, loathing herself, her selfishness, her loss and the helpless way she feels: there is nothing her fists can do to solve any of these problems.
and so she does feel ugly, and alone, and lost, and it's her fault... ]
Re: done
he's not just saying he knows what it is, he knows. ]
Re: done
a little ugly.
and maybe it's okay to forgive herself and to let other people offer forgiveness, too.
she has a future to think about, too. not just the past... and the way things were, or could have been. ]
Re: done
like certain people not to be named or present in this threadshe turns her face to him, still tear-streaked, but—smiling, she croaks: ]
Just not by my hair, okay? [ sniff ] I wear a hat, but... I don't want to go bald.
no subject
( a light quiet laugh as he locks their fingers together. )
So try not to be afraid. No matter what, I'll stick by you.
(no subject)