[ she leans back against him, quiet while he talks. it's really nice to be like this, actually, though it's... sad that this is what it took, and sad that it's been so long.
when exactly did she stop coming to him to talk to him about her problems? and why?
...
it's another thing she can't quite remember, though she still has inklings, bits and pieces and clues. she didn't forget him at all... just most of the biggest things that seemed to put that wall between them there.
and in the absence of their memory, it seems like maybe, finally, it might be starting, very slowly to crumble down. she is certainly, definitely listening right now. ]
Yes, I'm listening, Yukine-kun.
[ and maybe to him, the re-emergence of that honorific, never before used here, will seem strange, but... for her after her conversation with Aoko, it feels like a puzzle piece, significant to the closeness of their relationship, fitting back into the place where it belongs. ]
( the honorific is weird, like forced distance, but he doesn't plan to say anything about it. not now at least, not when he's got so much more important things to say to her. he doesn't want to talk about anything else and he just wants her to listen, to really listen because he knows they've had so many problems understanding each other that they've put up lines between each other. he doesn't want that happen this time. he needs it not to happen. he's not sure he could deal with it this time.
so, he needs her attention and to speak clearly. and not to think about how it might creep her out to be hugged by someone with no heartbeat or signs of breathing.
there's a pause before he finally speaks. )
This way of thinking. . . it's selfish and short-sighted. ( immediately he's hugging her tighter because he's honestly terrified of how she'll respond. ) I know it's not easy to hear, but I wouldn't tell you if you didn't need to know. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Hiyori. Please don't get mad. It's just . . . I know what it's like. To feel like that and get so wrapped up in what's wrong that you forget to do something about it. While you're worried about not being forgiven and the pain of forgetting, you're drawing boundaries between you and your friends. It's not good. It's not helping. It's probably only going to make you feel worse and worse until you feel like you're drowning. Drowning and too afraid to reach out for help and—
It's ugly. Ugly and makes you feel terribly alone, which is stupid for anyone here to feel because we've all got someone. Even if it's just our teammates.
( he loosens up a little, one arm still around her as he reaches for her hand with the other to hold her fingers, thumb tracing over her knuckles. )
So. . . You need to forgive yourself. For forgetting. For things out of your control. I don't think you can accept forgiveness from anyone else otherwise.
It's not your fault. All of us have forgotten, some of us more than others. It feels scary because memories are all we have and they're so crucial to people like Yato and me, but it's okay, Hiyori. It's not your fault. No one blames you and everyone understands. I mean, anyone with two brain cells anyway, but if someone gives you a hard time, I'll break their teeth. Okay? That's a promise, so remember that.
You didn't betray anyone. Your team changed, but you still came back and that's more than anyone could ask for. You're still here with me. With Yato. With everyone.
Since you're still here, there's still time.
Time to remember, to make new memories, and to start patching up your holes so you can feel whole again.
But. . . if you hold onto this, if you tell yourself that you don't "deserve" to be forgiven then you're just being stupid. It's not up to you to decide that. It's up to Kaito and everyone else, so if they think you're worthy of forgiveness—which they obviously do—then that settles it. You're worthy. There's nothing extra to it. Thinking otherwise just hurts you and everyone around you.
It's not good.
I mean, even if someone is still upset about being forgotten, they'll get over it. They'll forgive you. I'll always forgive you.
You've got to keep moving forward, Hiyori, and look towards the future. Everything is so weird and unpredictable that it'd be a waste for us not to enjoy what we can with the people we care about. I mean, we won't always be here all together, so isn't it better to have the least amount of regrets possible? But—
If you think you're stumbling, I'll hold your hand, okay? And we can walk forward together.
[ it's true that his lack of a heartbeat would make her sad, a reminder of how and why he lost it, but it would only be one of a number of things. like the way her attempt to connect to him, to hold onto to what she often feels is a "golden" past between the two of them, prior to kyr, through the use of the suffix ultimately fails to elicit the response that she'd hoped for.
it's hard to keep listening, to not feel a sort of... despair as he admonishes her for selfishness. and ugliness. and making her problems harder than they have to be.
she just wanted to reach him. how does she always get it so wrong?
and in fact, she starts to cry, in spite of herself, loathing herself, her selfishness, her loss and the helpless way she feels: there is nothing her fists can do to solve any of these problems.
and so she does feel ugly, and alone, and lost, and it's her fault... ]
[ but she is listening, which is why, as he talks about forgiving herself for that, and connecting on the many issues she's been feeling – the lostness, the hurt, being wrapped up in that helpless feeling—
he's not just saying he knows what it is, he knows. ]
[ slowly the hand he's been stroking turns over and her fingers grasp and simply hold his in hers. her hand is warm, almost hot—but not sweaty and gross like certain people not to be named or present in this thread
she turns her face to him, still tear-streaked, but—smiling, she croaks: ]
Just not by my hair, okay? [ sniff ] I wear a hat, but... I don't want to go bald.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
when exactly did she stop coming to him to talk to him about her problems? and why?
...
it's another thing she can't quite remember, though she still has inklings, bits and pieces and clues. she didn't forget him at all... just most of the biggest things that seemed to put that wall between them there.
and in the absence of their memory, it seems like maybe, finally, it might be starting, very slowly to crumble down. she is certainly, definitely listening right now. ]
Yes, I'm listening, Yukine-kun.
[ and maybe to him, the re-emergence of that honorific, never before used here, will seem strange, but... for her after her conversation with Aoko, it feels like a puzzle piece, significant to the closeness of their relationship, fitting back into the place where it belongs. ]
/3
so, he needs her attention and to speak clearly. and not to think about how it might creep her out to be hugged by someone with no heartbeat or signs of breathing.
there's a pause before he finally speaks. )
This way of thinking. . . it's selfish and short-sighted. ( immediately he's hugging her tighter because he's honestly terrified of how she'll respond. ) I know it's not easy to hear, but I wouldn't tell you if you didn't need to know. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Hiyori. Please don't get mad. It's just . . . I know what it's like. To feel like that and get so wrapped up in what's wrong that you forget to do something about it. While you're worried about not being forgiven and the pain of forgetting, you're drawing boundaries between you and your friends. It's not good. It's not helping. It's probably only going to make you feel worse and worse until you feel like you're drowning. Drowning and too afraid to reach out for help and—
It's ugly. Ugly and makes you feel terribly alone, which is stupid for anyone here to feel because we've all got someone. Even if it's just our teammates.
( he loosens up a little, one arm still around her as he reaches for her hand with the other to hold her fingers, thumb tracing over her knuckles. )
So. . . You need to forgive yourself. For forgetting. For things out of your control. I don't think you can accept forgiveness from anyone else otherwise.
no subject
You didn't betray anyone. Your team changed, but you still came back and that's more than anyone could ask for. You're still here with me. With Yato. With everyone.
Since you're still here, there's still time.
Time to remember, to make new memories, and to start patching up your holes so you can feel whole again.
no subject
It's not good.
I mean, even if someone is still upset about being forgotten, they'll get over it. They'll forgive you. I'll always forgive you.
You've got to keep moving forward, Hiyori, and look towards the future. Everything is so weird and unpredictable that it'd be a waste for us not to enjoy what we can with the people we care about. I mean, we won't always be here all together, so isn't it better to have the least amount of regrets possible? But—
If you think you're stumbling, I'll hold your hand, okay? And we can walk forward together.
done
Or I'll just drag you.
/4
it's hard to keep listening, to not feel a sort of... despair as he admonishes her for selfishness. and ugliness. and making her problems harder than they have to be.
she just wanted to reach him. how does she always get it so wrong?
and in fact, she starts to cry, in spite of herself, loathing herself, her selfishness, her loss and the helpless way she feels: there is nothing her fists can do to solve any of these problems.
and so she does feel ugly, and alone, and lost, and it's her fault... ]
Re: done
he's not just saying he knows what it is, he knows. ]
Re: done
a little ugly.
and maybe it's okay to forgive herself and to let other people offer forgiveness, too.
she has a future to think about, too. not just the past... and the way things were, or could have been. ]
Re: done
like certain people not to be named or present in this threadshe turns her face to him, still tear-streaked, but—smiling, she croaks: ]
Just not by my hair, okay? [ sniff ] I wear a hat, but... I don't want to go bald.
no subject
( a light quiet laugh as he locks their fingers together. )
So try not to be afraid. No matter what, I'll stick by you.
no subject
[ especially after everything they've been through. ]