[ Days. Yato can believe that. All in all, it's a light consequence of what ensued; he was quite certain that he was dead. And yet it must have felt like an eternity for Yukine, who probably held his worry in for all that time. Putting on a brave face for Anya would be just like him. Who knows how many hours Yukine spent sitting at Yato's bedside? "I knew you'd be okay," is what he says, but his tears say just the opposite.
Yato listens to Yukine's voice struggling to stay together. Yukine is a strong boy, but still a boy. Yato gently slips his hand away to place it on Yukine's lowered head. ]
「 What have you remembered? 」
[ Yato has asked Yukine about his memories in the past, always with trepidation. Now he only asks to know, accepting of whatever secrets are being laid bare. It's past time to worry about difficult questions. ]
( there's no immediate answer to that. silence hangs heavy over the room, punctuated by the occasional sniffle, as yukine considers whether or not he should be forthright with it. he knows that he should tell yato, knows that he should have told him a while ago, but he's been hesitant to say it out loud. he can't help but feel as soon as he voices then it will become real. all it needs is just the barest bit of acknowledgement to breathe life into it and then yukine will have to comes to terms with it.
he's not sure if he's ready for that.
he makes a small noise in frustration. for as much as he wants to hold it close to his chest, he doesn't want to lie. not when yato has been honest with him. )
「 Sekki. 」
( the name rings through the air like the clang of a gong, sharp and piercing even though yukine had only whispered it. )
[ Despite everything, Yato snorts quietly. What an absurd thing to say... and yet Yato said it first.
The name Sekki is so visceral that he halfway expects to feel a sword in his hand. Yukine is still alive; Yato has learned to sense that much. But perhaps Yukine can feel the inevitability of what's to come even more strongly than Yato did, back when they all thought wayward memories were just that and nothing more.
( the word is whispered in a voice so quiet that it's barely audible. yato's lack of response to what yukine told him is so telling that it's nearly dizzying. of course there is no surprise or questioning. yato has known this for a long time. he had even offered to tell him months ago when things first became suspect. the question, however, is how long exactly has he known? he can't help but wonder.
had he always known? did he know before yukine even arrived in the city? how little does yukine truly know?
his fists twist in the thin hospital blankets. )
「 We're enemies of Heaven. 」
( he is not afraid of being tied to yato or being a weapon.
[ There's nothing glamorous about the life Yukine will be living should things progress to what they were in their hallucinomemories. Nor will Yukine have the pride or honor of serving a powerful, beloved god. He was once so eager to rush headlong into knowledge of his other life, and Yato resisted informing him with all his might. Now the tables have turned, and it's Yukine hesitating while Yato loosens his grip.
Perhaps they can both sense change on the horizon. ]
「 Enemies of Heaven... Yeah. I guess we were. But Heaven didn't seem that impressive in the first place. 」
[ He remembers the ice cold he'd felt when he learned Heaven killed Ebisu, the defiance and criticism he'd had for the cloaked mob attempting to judge them. He in his memories was far more passionate than he in his present life can fully understand, but those fleeting feelings are enough to convince him that Heaven wasn't infallible. ]
「 So we might not have been the good guys. Does that trouble you? 」
( is this really okay for the two of them to talk about right now? it feels kind of strange to him that the first thing that they discuss after yato wakes up is the murky details surrounding their other lives when what they should be discussing is what exactly landed yato in this bed.
lifting up, he wipes at his eyes with the back of palms.
if they're going to talk about it, yukine figures he might as well be candid. )
「 That's not the point. All of the other gods, they hated us. What kind of life is that? Is that we stole from shrines and you had to work odd jobs? 」
( he's seen the memories or at least enough of them to piece together what kind of life the two of them were living. they were vagabonds bouncing from place to place and taking what they could. it's something that would have sounded cool if it weren't so terribly depressing. )
「 No. 」
( it doesn't really matter to him. good or bad? fuck it. it's not that simple or that easy. )
[ Actually, Yato did that just the other day too. Some things stay the same, he guesses.
Were they down on their luck specifically because Heaven didn't like them? It's a question Yato hadn't considered. He assumed it was just the way his life turned out, the same way it turned out for him in this lifetime. But it's possible that Heaven looked down on his childhood activities -- his lifetime activities, really, given how modern some of his more unsavory memories seemed to be.
Were they watching over his murder sprees? Was he cast into disfavor for associating with Ebisu in the underworld? Why were he and Yukine fighting in the first place, before they cut through Heaven's army and struck Bishamon from afar? There are still so many answers he doesn't have, even after all the memories he's seen.
Going into a deep dive of his other self's macabre activities is a more exhausting prospect than he's ready for at the moment, though. Yato folds his hands over his stomach and huffs quietly. ]
「 I don't have all the answers yet... but I might have some clues. I'll show you once I'm outta here. 」
「 Yea. I think we were homeless. We can talk about it later. 」
( a simple and easy confirmation. it doesn't take much to piece together the parts or to figure out the sort of circumstances that their other life was built around. some parts were hazy, things about spirits and shrine maidens, but the idea is simple: the two of them travelled to handle supernatural problems with yato at the front and yukine as the weapon. the problem is why. why did they do this? why could yukine turn into a sword? what brought the two of them together? why wasn't yato more respected?
he was a god of war.
there are so many questions, but now isn't the time.
[ Homeless... It makes sense. Yato has figured out how hard it is to integrate with the living when they don't know you exist. ]
「 I got into a fight with my boss. 」
[ Not because of any disagreement, though. If anything, they were in complete agreement about that fight taking place. Still, the thought of Chuuya being dead is numbing, the full weight of it not yet settled on Yato's shoulders. He stares up at the ceiling. ]
「 I should be dead... I think. He punched a hole right through me. Did you hear anything on the news about it? I'm pretty sure he wrecked Cabin Eleven. 」
( rubbing a hand through his hair. what the fuck kind of statement is that anyway? "i got into a fight with my boss and he punched a hole right through me"? yukine can barely process it. it feels unreal, like yato is talking about a movie plot instead of real life.
the question, of course, is now what happened to yato's boss after that. did yato kill him? or someone else?
fuck. he should have really kept up with the news. )
「 I didn't. What. . . What happened to your boss after that? 」
( his expressions pinch at the clarification. somehow it makes it feel all the more real and he's not sure how he feels about knowing that yato killed someone. it's hard to reconcile with—tying yato in with something like that. even as rough as things used to get, it never came down to murder.
fuck.
should he be backing off from him?
gently wringing his hands together, he gives yato a worried look. )
[ ... It shouldn't hurt. Even if Chuuya wanted it confidential before, there's no point in keeping anything a secret now.
Yukine seems a little uncomfortable, but if he wants to know, then Yato will tell him. ]
「 He had memories of his powers going out of control once he heard a certain trigger phrase. It would consume him until he was dead, and destroy his surroundings in the meantime. We're talking massive craters.
He figured it would be better to be killed by someone else than let himself destroy the city and die anyway, so he asked me to take care of him if it ever came down to it. 」
「 He trusted me to follow through, I can't be prosecuted, and I'm a god of war. Who better for the job? 」
[ He would be lying if he said he didn't feel a small hint of pride at the notion. No -- pride is too strong a word. Perhaps it was a sense of duty, knowing that Chuuya was counting on him. ]
( for some reason, yukine thought that other people didn't know about this. maybe he doesn't know as much as he thought he did and he already thought he barely knew anything. )
「 Maybe this is a stupid question, but—
As a god of war, do you remember killing before this? 」
[ Yato doesn't miss the timing of that frown. He's kept a lot from Yukine -- more than anyone else, where his memories are concerned. Yato can't blame him for feeling left out. ]
「 Yes. All kinds of people. All throughout my life. It came pretty easy. It's hard to explain... but it was something I was good at, so I kept on doing it. 」
「 I dunno. I know I'm not the same as that person. Or at least... I'm not that person yet.
I thought murdering people was a fun game as a kid in that life. "Nature vs. nurture" is usually a big debate, but with me, it was nature all the way. Makes me wonder if it's my nature now too. I'm not itching to cause a massacre or anything, but killing my boss... it wasn't fun, but I still did it. And it felt like an accomplishment. 」
[ His head tilts, looking back to Yukine. ]
「 I'm not happy about it, but I'm not really upset either. I guess I just feel out of touch. 」
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Yato listens to Yukine's voice struggling to stay together. Yukine is a strong boy, but still a boy. Yato gently slips his hand away to place it on Yukine's lowered head. ]
「 What have you remembered? 」
[ Yato has asked Yukine about his memories in the past, always with trepidation. Now he only asks to know, accepting of whatever secrets are being laid bare. It's past time to worry about difficult questions. ]
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he's not sure if he's ready for that.
he makes a small noise in frustration. for as much as he wants to hold it close to his chest, he doesn't want to lie. not when yato has been honest with him. )
「 Sekki. 」
( the name rings through the air like the clang of a gong, sharp and piercing even though yukine had only whispered it. )
「 I'm a sea cucumber. 」
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The name Sekki is so visceral that he halfway expects to feel a sword in his hand. Yukine is still alive; Yato has learned to sense that much. But perhaps Yukine can feel the inevitability of what's to come even more strongly than Yato did, back when they all thought wayward memories were just that and nothing more.
Again he asks: ]
「 Are you afraid to remember more? 」
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( the word is whispered in a voice so quiet that it's barely audible. yato's lack of response to what yukine told him is so telling that it's nearly dizzying. of course there is no surprise or questioning. yato has known this for a long time. he had even offered to tell him months ago when things first became suspect. the question, however, is how long exactly has he known? he can't help but wonder.
had he always known? did he know before yukine even arrived in the city? how little does yukine truly know?
his fists twist in the thin hospital blankets. )
「 We're enemies of Heaven. 」
( he is not afraid of being tied to yato or being a weapon.
he is afraid of what they have done together. )
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[ There's nothing glamorous about the life Yukine will be living should things progress to what they were in their hallucinomemories. Nor will Yukine have the pride or honor of serving a powerful, beloved god. He was once so eager to rush headlong into knowledge of his other life, and Yato resisted informing him with all his might. Now the tables have turned, and it's Yukine hesitating while Yato loosens his grip.
Perhaps they can both sense change on the horizon. ]
「 Enemies of Heaven... Yeah. I guess we were. But Heaven didn't seem that impressive in the first place. 」
[ He remembers the ice cold he'd felt when he learned Heaven killed Ebisu, the defiance and criticism he'd had for the cloaked mob attempting to judge them. He in his memories was far more passionate than he in his present life can fully understand, but those fleeting feelings are enough to convince him that Heaven wasn't infallible. ]
「 So we might not have been the good guys. Does that trouble you? 」
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lifting up, he wipes at his eyes with the back of palms.
if they're going to talk about it, yukine figures he might as well be candid. )
「 That's not the point. All of the other gods, they hated us. What kind of life is that? Is that we stole from shrines and you had to work odd jobs? 」
( he's seen the memories or at least enough of them to piece together what kind of life the two of them were living. they were vagabonds bouncing from place to place and taking what they could. it's something that would have sounded cool if it weren't so terribly depressing. )
「 No. 」
( it doesn't really matter to him. good or bad? fuck it. it's not that simple or that easy. )
「 We've never been the good guys. 」
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[ Actually, Yato did that just the other day too. Some things stay the same, he guesses.
Were they down on their luck specifically because Heaven didn't like them? It's a question Yato hadn't considered. He assumed it was just the way his life turned out, the same way it turned out for him in this lifetime. But it's possible that Heaven looked down on his childhood activities -- his lifetime activities, really, given how modern some of his more unsavory memories seemed to be.
Were they watching over his murder sprees? Was he cast into disfavor for associating with Ebisu in the underworld? Why were he and Yukine fighting in the first place, before they cut through Heaven's army and struck Bishamon from afar? There are still so many answers he doesn't have, even after all the memories he's seen.
Going into a deep dive of his other self's macabre activities is a more exhausting prospect than he's ready for at the moment, though. Yato folds his hands over his stomach and huffs quietly. ]
「 I don't have all the answers yet... but I might have some clues. I'll show you once I'm outta here. 」
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( a simple and easy confirmation. it doesn't take much to piece together the parts or to figure out the sort of circumstances that their other life was built around. some parts were hazy, things about spirits and shrine maidens, but the idea is simple: the two of them travelled to handle supernatural problems with yato at the front and yukine as the weapon. the problem is why. why did they do this? why could yukine turn into a sword? what brought the two of them together? why wasn't yato more respected?
he was a god of war.
there are so many questions, but now isn't the time.
right now, there's a more pressing issue. )
「 What even happened to you? 」
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「 I got into a fight with my boss. 」
[ Not because of any disagreement, though. If anything, they were in complete agreement about that fight taking place. Still, the thought of Chuuya being dead is numbing, the full weight of it not yet settled on Yato's shoulders. He stares up at the ceiling. ]
「 I should be dead... I think. He punched a hole right through me. Did you hear anything on the news about it? I'm pretty sure he wrecked Cabin Eleven. 」
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( rubbing a hand through his hair. what the fuck kind of statement is that anyway? "i got into a fight with my boss and he punched a hole right through me"? yukine can barely process it. it feels unreal, like yato is talking about a movie plot instead of real life.
the question, of course, is now what happened to yato's boss after that. did yato kill him? or someone else?
fuck. he should have really kept up with the news. )
「 I didn't. What. . . What happened to your boss after that? 」
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[ Maybe he is being too casual about it. But it isn't in Yato's nature to freak out over things like this. Even less in front of another person. ]
「 To be clear, we weren't just having a spat. It was something I promised to do if his powers ever got out of control. 」
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fuck.
should he be backing off from him?
gently wringing his hands together, he gives yato a worried look. )
「 His powers? 」
( . . . )
「 Could you just explain it from the top? 」
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Yukine seems a little uncomfortable, but if he wants to know, then Yato will tell him. ]
「 He had memories of his powers going out of control once he heard a certain trigger phrase. It would consume him until he was dead, and destroy his surroundings in the meantime. We're talking massive craters.
He figured it would be better to be killed by someone else than let himself destroy the city and die anyway, so he asked me to take care of him if it ever came down to it. 」
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「 Okay. 」
( no. that's not enough. )
「 It makes sense. I get why he would ask someone to take him out before he did something unforgivable.
But why was it you? 」
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[ He would be lying if he said he didn't feel a small hint of pride at the notion. No -- pride is too strong a word. Perhaps it was a sense of duty, knowing that Chuuya was counting on him. ]
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「 And he knew that, huh. 」
( for some reason, yukine thought that other people didn't know about this. maybe he doesn't know as much as he thought he did and he already thought he barely knew anything. )
「 Maybe this is a stupid question, but—
As a god of war, do you remember killing before this? 」
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「 Yes. All kinds of people. All throughout my life. It came pretty easy. It's hard to explain... but it was something I was good at, so I kept on doing it. 」
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「 How do you feel about that? 」
( somehow that seems like the most important question to ask. )
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「 I dunno. I know I'm not the same as that person. Or at least... I'm not that person yet.
I thought murdering people was a fun game as a kid in that life. "Nature vs. nurture" is usually a big debate, but with me, it was nature all the way. Makes me wonder if it's my nature now too. I'm not itching to cause a massacre or anything, but killing my boss... it wasn't fun, but I still did it. And it felt like an accomplishment. 」
[ His head tilts, looking back to Yukine. ]
「 I'm not happy about it, but I'm not really upset either. I guess I just feel out of touch. 」